IS IT POSSIBLE TO SUPPORT A STRONG WILLED, INDEPENDENT DAUGHTER, WHILE MAINTAINING YOUR SANITY??

I knew I was in trouble when my then 3 1/2 year old daughter declared from her car seat in the back of our mini cooper, “Mommy, you’re going the wrong way, You have to turn left.”

I couldn’t be upset with my new found back seat driver, it was too absurd. First of all, due to the fact that this was a 2 door mini cooper, her vision was not just limited, it was completely restricted by the seat in front of her. Not to mention that even in the raised car seat, she couldn’t see out of ANY of the windows, including the one directly to her right. Additionally, because I was accustomed to multi tasking with a toddler in tow, tackling grocery shopping, dry cleaning, the post office, and a quick bite for lunch before racing home for nap time, I don’t usually tell my toddler where we were going, other than to run errands. And that day was no different. I dressed her up and told her we were going out to run errands, strapped her into her car seat in the back and off we went. So imagine my surprise when, ten minutes in she announced, no INSISTED, that Mommy was going the wrong way. I was incredulous! She had no idea where we were going, and again, she couldn’t see the road, so why on EARTH did she think she knew that I was going the wrong way?!?

This wasn’t the first time that I encountered her strong willed, independent spirit, so I wasn’t completely shocked by her know-it-all proclamation, but it was new enough that I fell into the trap and tried to reason with her. “But honey, you don’t even know where we’re going, so how do you know we’re going the wrong way?”, to which she replied “I told you, you havta take a left back there”. Aha, I’ve got her! “Back where, sweetheart? You can’t even see out the windows to see “back there”. I thought this would end the conversation, but then she said: “I can always tell by the way the car slows down.” WHAT? I have a “tell” when I drive? And my toddler has figured it out? Wait, she hasn’t figured anything out, I’M NOT LOST!

I wasn’t lost, but I was indecisive in my driving. I was going to stop at Starbucks and started to go in that direction, and then decided against it because it was raining and I didn’t feel like lugging my daughter in and out of the car in the rain just to get a latte, so I slowed down, but then I really wanted a latte, so I kind of idled there for a few minutes. Was she actually picking up on my slight idle in the roadway? No, there’s no way. But back and forth it went - “Sweetheart, Mommy’s not lost”, “Yes you are”, “No, I’m really not…and besides, you don’t even know where we’re going!” This went on until we both stopped talking with each other out of frustration. Not a word to each other for hours. I’m not kidding.

Looking back now I realize how ridiculous it was. What did it matter that my 3 1/2 year old thought I was lost when I wasn’t actually lost? Why did I engage instead of simply laugh at how silly it all seemed? And even celebrate her confidence. I mean, don’t we all want our daughters to be strong and confident? Don’t we want our little girls to be leaders? Of course we do! That’s exactly what I want, but I want it when she is all grown up and out of my house. And my car. But now, while I’m just trying to get the groceries without a battle, gosh I could really use a follower.

Unfortunately, this was just one of many little traps that I fell into along the way. It has taken me some time to harness the ability to step out of the moment and to recognize the gift of my strong little girl. With practice, I have learned to laugh at these moments and not engage. I have learned that I don’t need to convince her or correct her. Sometimes it’s alright to just agree to disagree, as they say.

But for the record, I WASN’T LOST.