The Effing Elf on the Shelf! (Not Suitable for Children) Rated PG-13
TO ELF OR NOT TO ELF
For all of you new moms out there, you will soon be faced with a VERY IMPORTANT decision - DO YOU or DO YOU NOT subscribe to the Elf on the Shelf? I learned about the Elf on the Shelf when my daughter was four years old. Let me tell you that we were just winding down from the torturous threes, so I was in dire need of help with my monstrous child. Suddenly a friend told me about the magic of the Elf, so I gave it a try.
The deal is that the Elf arrives on December 1st and finds a place in the house to hang out to observe the child’s behavior all day. At night the Elf returns to the North Pole to report to Santa. (All families have their own Elf guidelines, but this was ours). Obviously no child wants Santa to know what an actual monster they really are, so the children tend to be on their best behavior when the Elf is around. It’s very important for the child NOT to touch the Elf because then they will realize that the Elf is just (WAIT!! SPOILER ALERT!! DO NOT KEEP READING THIS POST IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 13!! IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 13 AND YOU ARE STILL READING THIS POST, AN ALERT WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE SENT TO SANTA CLAUS AND YOU WILL BE ADDED TO THE NAUGHTY LIST AND YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE ANY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THIS YEAR). Okay, I am assuming that if you are still reading, you have been sufficiently carded at the door and you over the age of 13 and permitted to read on. So anyway, if the child touches the Elf, they will realize it is just a cheap, stuffed doll, but what we tell the children is that their magic will dissolve if the Elf is touched by human hands. Each morning when the child gets up to find the Elf, the child will see that the Elf has moved from it’s previous position, which is a clear indication that the Elf has flown to the North Pole overnight and reported the child’s behavior that day to Santa, and has flown back in the morning and settled into a new spot.
Well, I found that my four year old simply LOVED her little Elf and she bought into the story hook, line & sinker. And it worked like a charm! Suddenly she was acting like an angel. When she would occasionally start to act up, cry, whine, talk back, all I would need to say is, “Oh dear, I hope that Winter the Elf didn’t hear you.” And instantly she would stop misbehaving. I remember thinking this Elf on the Shelf is BRILLIANT!
I started to get creative with our Elf, hanging him from a candy cane that hung off of fishing line that stretched from the chandelier to the bookshelf; tangled in a string of Christmas lights that spelled “MERRY”; sitting at the table sipping hot chocolate with my daughters favorite stuffy’s. And then it happened, our Elf fell off of the Christmas tree. There we sat staring at Winter, and then each other, knowing that if we touched Winter, he would lose his magic. I quick put on an oven mitt and picked him up and put him back in place and we both breathed a sigh of relief.
ELFIN DOGGIE BISCUIT
However, the Elf stress wasn’t over. I woke up on Christmas Eve to find Winter on the ground and mangled. Our dog Phineas got a hold of Winter and chewed his entire head off. All that was left was his body and his hat. I could hear my daughter stirring upstairs, so I grabbed Winter and shoved his hat onto his mangled neck and shoved him hat first into the Christmas tree, with legs dangling out. And there he stayed for the rest of the day. Fortunately that was his last day with us until he returned back to the North Pole until next December. Phew!
December 1st the following year. MOMMY! MOMMY! OUR ELF DIDN’T COME THIS YEAR!! Me: (F*****ck!!! I forgot about the ELFING ELF!!) “Oh sweetie, our Elf doesn’t come until the nighttime on December 1st” (F*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Where am I going to find an Elf TODAY?!?) I race around from store to store and no one carries the Elf. Finally, while racing through the aisles in Marshall’s I see a lone Elf on the Shelf book tucked in the back of the Barbie section. Eureka! Wait, oh sh*t! It’s a girl Elf. I have no choice, I have to get her. Later that night, I take the skirt off the Elf and place him (her) in a familiar spot. The next morning my now five year old discovers our Elf. She is elated! Later on that day she says, “Mommy, I thought our Elf was a boy. Isn’t his name Winter?” Me: “What makes you think our Elf isn’t a boy?” My daguhter: “She has earrings.” Me: (you’ve got to be elfing kidding me!) “Oh, yes, our Elf is a girl, isn’t her name Winnie?” My daughter: “Oh, I don’t know why I thought she was a boy. Is it Winnie? I can’t remember her name.” Me: “Yes, she’s definitely Winnie, I totally remember her.” (and that night I hunt out the skirt and put it back on her).
We had and continue to have many wonderful years with Winnie our Elf. And I can assure you that many major temper tantrums were avoided because Winnie the Elf was watching over us. But there were plenty of nights during the month of December over the years that I startled myself awake at 3:00 am realizing that I forgot to move the elfing Elf, and I rued the day I ever brought him/her into our lives. This, my daughter’s ninth year, I have resorted to leaving a letter to my daughter on December 17, from Winnie, stating that Santa has requested that she stay in the North Pole for the next 7 days so that she can help him get the toys ready for the children. Last year she broke her leg skiing in the North Pole and couldn’t come to our house until December 15th. You’ll see, what starts as a blessing ends as a curse. So think very long and hard before you bring an elfing Elf into your home. It might be easier to just say that Santa can see her wherever she is and leave the Elf on the Shelf behind the Barbies at Marshall’s.
